Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
