My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize