I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
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