I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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