Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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