I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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