its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
