when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
