I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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