And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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