I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
