So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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