My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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