If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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