I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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