If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I believe in your delicious
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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