I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I want her autograph on my taint
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
