I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
