There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
