I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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