I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
