I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
