So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
