Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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