i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
