I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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