I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
