Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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