There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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