tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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