I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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