I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
