I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
