He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
