Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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