So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
