Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
