The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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