No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Randomize
