Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
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