new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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