I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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