oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
You're like the curious george of whores
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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