Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
We need to get me chipped asap
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
