Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
