my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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