I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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