he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Randomize
