Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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