Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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