woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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