I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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