i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
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