Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
