Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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