the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Drunk is not a location!
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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