Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
