At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
