fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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