Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize