My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
So much rum. So many feels.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
