We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
