I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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