I met the friendliest cop last night
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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