wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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