The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
