the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
